Podcast Season 3 Episode 7
Host: Karen Yates Running Time: 42:41 min
Let’s bring sexy back in 2022. But how?
Host Karen Yates and panelists discuss changes in sex and dating during the pandemic, plus music, and a storyteller shares a tale of an afternoon hookup gone wrong in our first stage show since 2020, recorded live at Hungry Brain in Chicago.
Wild & Sublime Podcast Transcript
#S3E7 | Bringing Sexy Back Pt 1: Feb Live Show
[Wild & Sublime theme music]
Matthew Amador: Before the pandemic, in the beforetimes, when everything was in sepia tone, you could afford to be like, 'You know what? I'm gonna like, have a wide net, and I'm gonna get something that I want.' But you may not be able to throw that wide net out anymore. So think, what do I want right now?
Karen Yates: Welcome to Wild & Sublime, a sexy spin on infotainment®, no matter your preferences, orientation, or relationship style, based on the popular live Chicago show. I chat about sex and relationships with citizens from the world of sex positivity. You'll hear meaningful conversations, dialogues that go deeper, and information that can help you become more free in your sexual expression. I'm sex educator and intimacy coach Karen Yates. Today, we hear the first half of our February live show in Chicago. Music, storytelling, and the panel discusses getting sexy back in 2022. Keep listening.
Guess who was in the first row of the live show you're about to hear? Patreon members, that's who! The upper giving levels of Wild & Sublime membership club get reserved priority seating at live shows, and all Patreon members get ticket discounts, in addition to breaking show announcements. Go to patreon.com/wildandsublime to learn about these and other benefits.
Hey folks. My, but the first show back last month was a good one, and I think you're gonna enjoy listening to the first half today. It was a lively, sold-out house that night at the Hungry Brain in Chicago on February 12. You'll be hearing now original music from Matt Griffo and cellist Leyla Royale, a panel on bringing sexy back in 2022 with sex coach Tazima Parris, therapist Matthew Amador, and kink and relationship coach MksThingsHappin. Plus, Wild & Sublime's favorite storyteller, Lily Be. And just to orient you, this show was recorded about two weeks before the mask and vaccine card mandate was lifted in Chicago. Enjoy.
[to live audience] So, if you have come to this show before, you know I've got this whole spiel in the beginning. Well we're going to do that whole spiel again: we're just going to walk through the agreements, we're going to get all groovy, and then we're going to start the show. So, the first thing I'm adding now — I have not done this before — but I want to do a land acknowledgement. We are actually at this moment sitting on the unceded, stolen territories of the Council of three fires: the Ojibwe, the Odawa, and the Potawatomi tribes. And I need to say that Chicago still has a very large indigenous population here. Next, we have some agreements. And the first is not to 'yuck' anybody else's yum. This is the basic rule of sex-positivity, the golden rule. And what that means is, if tonight, you hear someone on stage saying something that strikes you a little off, and you feel your sphincter tighten really hard, because you just like, eeuuugh, I can't even believe they just said that, that's really eueghhhh! What you need to do is paste a really pleasant smile on your face. This is the American way. Just paste a very, like, docile, agreeable face. You might be hurting inside. And then, as you're smiling — forced smile — see if at the same time you can unclench your sphincter. Can you do that? you might be able to do that. And that's quite a feat. And maybe it'll help the smile become more real. So that is the first agreement: Don't yuck someone else's yum. The second agreement is, we come to this place with a lot of different privileges. So what I say is, come to this space with an open heart. And be aware that anyone you're talking to tonight, after the show, or on the stage, might come from a very different place than you. So if you agree with all of these things, I'd like to hear an 'ahhh.'
Okay, now we're gonna say 'ooooh,' and get it right down to the pelvis. Oooooh. Now shimmy. Little shimmy. No one's looking at you. You can do it! You're looking at me. And you can shimmy too. Yeah, right. Yeah, I'll take the fall for your shimmy. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Now, you might have noticed that there are pencils and paper nearby — on your table or at the bar. These are because we are going to have a panel up here talking about how to bring sexy back in 2022. And you can ask the panel anonymous questions, and we will answer them. Whatever you put in, and it's anonymous. And we have a prompt. If you've come to the show before, you know that we do audience prompts. And the prompt tonight is "What is your special go-to for getting into a sexy or kinky mood?" And if you're going to say porn, you gotta say what kind of porn.
[to one audience member] Okay? Yeah, I'm looking at you. Right there. I can see you. You're squiggling. I know. I know. And what's so great: Everyone that's on stage tonight has already answered this question. So, first person's go-to [reading] "My go-to is spreading coconut oil all over my entire body. Mmmm."
I want to meet this person. Okay, okay. So, let me look at these little notes I got going here. I'm done with my spieling. Oh, yeah, there's Uberlube packets. If you don't have coconut oil, Uberlube. That's also very, very good. Thank you, Uberlube, for providing the packets and bottles for our onstage guests tonight! All right. We have a delightful musical act. They have been here before, and I am so excited they're going to be kicking off the show tonight. Please welcome musician-comedian Matt Griffo and cellist Leyla Royale.
Matt Griffo: All right, we got it. Okay, so it's a Valentine's show, so here's a really cute song.
[singing] "I want to [ feel you ? ] for the rest of my life,
and I hope that doesn't freak you out
Because you in my life feels right
There is no joke there
Every time I see your eyes, makes me stop and think,
I'm so glad I found
Someone like you, who won't wake me up before noon
Every chance I get to share my time with you
I'm so glad I found someone like you,
with such a cutie butt
I can't go back now that I found love like this is real
How could I go another day with you beside me?
Live another life without you to guide me?
I'm so glad I found someone like you
[to audience] Now, what are some pet names that some people have for your other person?
Shout some pet names out. You say babe? Babe is one. Got any more?
Audience Member: Gams!
Matt Griffo: Gams? Gams is so cute! Socks? Oh, fox!
Wait, there was one that sounded like Sbarro? Cuddles? Okay, that's plenty.
[singing] Oh, I'm so glad I found someone like you,
Oh, my little cuddles
I'm so glad I found someone like you,
Unknown Speaker: Oh, my fox!
I'm so glad I found someone like you,
Oh, my— what was? It was yams! Oh, my yams.
I'm so glad I found someone like you. [ukulele ending]
[speaking] Alright, here we go. This is the start of the show.
Karen Yates: Let's give it up again for Matt and Leyla. [applause] They will return in act two.
Before we do our panel, I want to read some more prompts. [reading] "My go-to for getting in a sexy or kinky mood is kinky activity such as rope bondage, spanking, sensual play, and acts of dominance and receiving, acts of submission or service." That sounds like the main course! This is the warm up! Unless... this is the warm up? Holy shit! Okay...! [conspiratorially] I know who wrote that! [laughs]
[reading] "Getting in the kinky or sexy mood," someone wrote, "let's find out together." Oh, okaaaaaay. And a little winky emoji. I love how we no longer just write smiles. It's like we're trying to recreate the emoji look.
Okay, another one is, [reading] "Meditation to ground myself and my partner in the space. Music, low lights and incense to create a container for the experience." Hmm. I'm getting some serious Valentine Day vibes. But this is more. This is an everyday kind of thing, which is very cool. All right. So let us bring the panel up. We have Tazima Parris, sex coach; Matthew Amador, therapist for sex, love and gender rebels; and MksThingsHappin — and you can find him on FetLife under that handle — kink and relationship coach. All right.
Mksthingshappin: And yes, that is the warm-up.
Matthew Amador: We knew!
Karen Yates: I can do the eye roll because we're friends. I know him... very well. All right. So, tonight's subject is "bringing back sexy in 2022." So we have been involved in an extraordinary global event that has hit many of us on a very deep, embodied level. And there's a lot of people that are still getting sex on the regular — doing kinky stuff, getting sex. But what are you noticing? What are you seeing out there among people? Clients? In general? What are you seeing?
Tazima Parris: There's this conversation that was happening, that was like, Oh, our relationship changed during the pandemic, all this stuff. And I was like, actually, no. Like, what I'm noticing is that people are actually seeing more of the person that they're with, or the people that they're with, there's a little less like, of the veneer that we put up, there's a little less, like, good behavior, and people are actually seeing the people that they're with. And sometimes that's upsetting for folks. It's not that something new is coming out, it's actually that what's in the relationship is actually being revealed. And so we're returning to some sort of more basic behaviors and challenging dynamics. And with skills and help and support, people can navigate the challenges that come up.
Karen Yates: Sure.
Mksthingshappin: I am seeing or hearing something just a little bit different, particularly from the poly community: nesting partner, anchor partners, primaries, those relationships are either intact, or they're broken up based on the foundation. What I'm finding out, though, it's the other partners have been kind of left out of the mix for most of the pandemic. And what I'm hearing now is that they're getting contacted now by their other partner. And I'm like, well, if you didn't make an effort to connect during 2020, during 2021, has that person really earned the right to maintain a relationship? It's a little bit rude, at the very least. And they're like, well, you know, you couldn't see someone, you couldn't spend any time — true. But there's a thing called Zoom. There's this little thing in your pocket, or your purse, that you can use that to communicate with other people. So I think it's really unearned for someone to go back to a relationship and try to pick up where they left off. It's not cool.
Karen Yates: Are you seeing people say like, fuck you. Like, is that the response? Or are people like kind of like going with it?
Mksthingshappin: It varies. Some people are totally cool with it. Just happy to be back in the mix. And some people are like, fuck you, you lost the rights after all this.
Matthew Amador: Yeah, and actually piggybacking on that, one thing I've noticed It's like the other side of the same coin. Yeah, for some people, fuck you, you didn't try. That's, no, I'm not expendable. I'm not expendable. However, sometimes someone else is a luxury. And we just don't have enough money. We don't have enough money. And it doesn't mean that it's not worth — it's not it's literally not worth less, or worthless. We just don't have enough money to put in there. And I feel like it's a case by case basis. And I'm not saying that because I'm chaotic neutral. And so I just give a little pass, although that is the case.
Karen Yates: I knew that about you!!
Matthew Amador: Ethics from a chaotic neutral person is... I'm sorry. Yes, there's some people that are having, that have still been sexing it up just like they used to. I've noticed a lot of people, okay, if they're like dogs out there, like, doing the dog thing, a lot of people have turned into like their inner cat behavior. Where like, if you move with a cat, you don't see that cat for a while. You need to really try to get that cat out from under the bed, around like the cabinet — do you know what I'm talking about? D'ya know what I'm talkin about?
Karen Yates: I know what you're taking about, yes.
Tazima Parris: Someone else's cat came into my apartment while they were moving. So... right under my bed.
Mksthingshappin: Are we still talking metaphors? Like...
Karen Yates: I don't know, I got kind of confused. I thought it was gonna be talking about sex. And I'm like, is this leading to sex?
Matthew Amador: But it's taken a lot for some people to actually say, okay, so if I'm that cat underneath that bed, I'm that cat that's holed up there in the corner. What do I need to actually get myself out into the rest of the apartment, and then eventually become an outdoor cat again? So it's been really hard for some people to find out—
Karen Yates: Okay, I got so— let's go back to the luxury item.
Matthew Amador: Okay. Ya wanna go back to luxury?
Karen Yates: You mean, because people didn't have enough spoons during the pandemic.
Matthew Amador: Part of it is spoons, and part of it is fear.
Karen Yates: Okay, and spoons, by the way, if you don't know what spoons is, it's like the given amount of emotional bandwidth you have to deal with something. So it's thought of as spoons, but like, someone might not have enough spoons, and then that other person the, the polyamorous relationship becomes too much to deal with. Is that what you meant?
Matthew Amador: Yes. I think also it comes down to, especially with information and people hearing different things, and people having different levels of risk aversion for themselves, which can definitely come into play in a pod, people might have different levels, it really comes down to looking inward and saying, okay, am I living in fear? Or am I living with the fear? And what does it take for me to go from living in fear to living with the fear? Just like we do when we cross the street, we were in fear of having a car hit us when we were young. I mean, it's maybe even today, too. Like, it's big, it's fast, they can't see us. But eventually, now we're to the point where we look both ways, usually when we cross the street, but that's because we're just living with the fear of it. We're no longer in the fear of it.
Mksthingshappin: The fear is absolutely legit, a valid concern. I think all of us understand that. But using that as an excuse to disconnect from your partners. It's just straight up BS. I have three anchor partners. And one of the things I swore to myself that regardless of what's gonna happen in the two weeks — because you know, was supposed to be two weeks... [laughter]
Karen Yates: I remember that well.
Mksthingshappin: I'm going to make every effort to stay connected. And it went from phone calls, Zoom calls, texting, it progressed to where, okay, you can meet people, but you're wearing masks. Okay, we literally were butt naked, wearing nothing but masks. I don't know how effective that was, realistically. But it was still a way to maintain connection. And if you — and I don't want to put anyone on the spot — but if you care enough about the people in your life, you'll find a way. It may not be ideal. It definitely wasn't ideal during the early days, but you can make it happen.
Karen Yates: So what for the three of you, were some of the surprises that you have seen, either anecdotally, or in your life? You can speak personally, or with clients. What are some of the 'Wow, I didn't see that one coming'?
Mksthingshappin: I was amazed how little people were having sex. I did my absolutely unscientific survey. But I specifically talked to poly individuals who were living with their nesting partner, and I asked them how often are you having sex? Because I was curious, you know, how often people were getting down, and it was equal to in most cases less than. And I go, why? And they talked about the fear, and the anxiety, and the concern, and it was really shocking to me how little people were getting it on, when, quite frankly, other than work, what the hell else you got to do when you were locked down?
Matthew Amador: One of the most surprising things I saw was a mid-sized pod become a gay sex cult within three and a half months.
Karen Yates: Do tell.
Matthew Amador: Partially because of fear, and partially because of isolation and the pressure cooker that was everything right when lockdown happened and right after. It slowly became "Oh, we're friends hanging out," to "Oh, it's only us," to "It's only us to keep everybody else out." "It's only us, keep everybody else out, leave the phones up there. You can't contact anybody. And if you're contacting anybody, we need to know who you're contacting." And it became — with the knowledge of, hey, contact tracing, what's wrong with that? But then it became slowly more and more controlling for this pod.
Karen Yates: Wow, wow. But that seems totally in keeping with the times. Do you know what I mean? Like, we get isolated, we get so isolated from each other. I got isolated from people. Yes, even though we have text and everything, there was this hunkering down, this bunker mentality that started taking it over, I think, that's very intense. What was the upshot of that? What happened?
Matthew Amador: Slowly but surely, once vaccines started to be readily available, then it started to break down, and it was not a happy ending. I think, yes, a lot of people got hurt, relationships ended.
Karen Yates: Okay.
Tazima Parris: One was that people — like, the splits between like, who was more, like, cavalier about their sort of COVID safety, versus the people who were like, really super-restrictive. So the people specifically who, in my world, who were splitting out to, like, super conservative, were people I just, I wasn't expecting necessarily. And then I think I have a secret hope that because of people speaking about their COVID comfort levels, that that conversation would spill over into the sexuality space. And like, that people would start talking more candidly, because I also see COVID, and the negotiation around COVID, it takes on a similar framework to a long-distance relationship, where you really have to negotiate, like, who's going to get on the plane? Or, who's going to go to where, and how, and similarly, like, what is my comfort space? And who can I be with, and what have you been doing? And I really hope people are talking about their sexuality comfort level, and like, what barrier methods they want to use, and like, have the safer sex conversation. That's what I'm hoping for, more surprises.
Karen Yates: Yeah.
Matthew Amador: And one thing that really shocked me was that more kink wasn't becoming embraced by the mainstream. Once New York put out like the health guidelines, that—
Karen Yates: Yeah. Our very first episode was on the health — of the podcast.
Matthew Amador: Basically saying, yeah, hey, everyone, use some glory holes. I was like, yes! Yes, they're not just for Senators in airport bathrooms anymore. Yeah, the fact that I didn't see an increase in like — I wasn't hearing about an embrace of glory holes, or of bondage hoods, or pup play. I was like, there's so many options out there. Why isn't — google it!
Mksthingshappin: It's not too late.
Matthew Amador: Everybody tells one person
Karen Yates: [to podcast listener] We'll return to our panel conversation in a moment. Are you looking to improve erotic communication with your partner? I work with couples in Chicago, helping them increase pleasure, learn how to express desires, and become more connected. All of this through dynamic, body-centered sessions. Go to the show notes or karen-yates.com to schedule your free consultation with me.
And now, let's hear more of the live show with our panel on bringing sexy back in 2022, followed by storyteller Lily Be.
[to live panel] So, what advice would you give to, say — because we've been talking a little bit about polycules and what have you — what advice would you give to single people who are just starting to — it's kind of like feeling creaky.
Mksthingshappin: I'm a big fan of something equivalent to date night, a scheduled time where you and your partner can spend some quality time, whatever that looks like. I think because your partner is there. You just assume something's going to happen spontaneously. And in reality, you know, you're too tired, you don't have enough spoons, you're distracted, you have something else that's always more important that the person most important to you gets put on the backburner. And you have to make a conscious effort to at least one time a week, that person is the most important person.
Karen Yates: And what about single folks? Getting back in the groove.
Mksthingshappin: Date night!
Karen Yates: Yeah, but explain that. I mean, what do you mean? If you don't have a date, like, how do you make yourself ready to get out there?
Mksthingshappin: Are we talking... See, I'm talking masturbation.
Karen Yates: Oh, you were talking date night for yourself? Gotcha, gotcha.
Tazima Parris: That's called a masturdate.
Mksthingshappin: If you can't be with the one you love...
Karen Yates: This cutting edge shit, folks! This is where, you know, the OED next year, will be like, it began in this cabaret space... "Masturdate." Okay,
Tazima Parris: I'm gonna elaborate on masturdate.
Mksthingshappin: Please do.
Tazima Parris: Because people don't take themselves and their own pleasure seriously. Like, we do all this shit for other people. Oh, I'm gonna make it nice, it's gonna do this, I'm going to do that. No, fuck that shit. Do that for yourself.
Karen Yates: Yeah.
Tazima Parris: Like, seriously. If you're busting out the incense and the candles, do that for yourself. And then guess what? You have a new standard. So if someone's not doing that, then you could be like, hey...
Karen Yates: Oh, I like that
Tazima Parris: In order to be in my world. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, if you have a really high quality standard, then you can invite and — you know, if you believe in law of attraction, which some people do — you'll attract the person who will burn the incense on your bath! Okay, so I'm saying, it's like you're priming the pump.
Mksthingshappin: Hahaha. [group laughter]
Tazima Parris: I'm glad that this is a sexual conversation. So yeah, like, don't just do this for other people. When you do this for yourself, when you prioritize your own pleasure, no one pays for that. You get the benefit of it. And by the way, you don't have to masturbate in the exact same way ever. Surprise yourself. Hello, you don't have to self-pleasure in the exact same way. I am a sex coach. I've been talking about sex for over 20 years. Literally, this week, I found something new. Hello! Like why? Because I have an experimental, exploratory way of being with my sexuality. And I encourage all the humans to do the same, because it's fascinating. There are a lot of nerve endings. There's a lot of sensation you can go for. There are a lot of things you can explore. And so you can use your masturdate. Maybe you do it once a week, maybe it's every two weeks, a fortnight, whatever. I don't care. Take your time and create that space for yourself and find out something new about you.
Karen Yates: Awesome. Matthew?
Matthew Amador: I love that. I love that so much. Because that's true, though. Sometimes it's like a tennis game. You're like, I'm gonna go forehand. I'm gonna go backhand, I'm going up over the net. Sometimes I want to hit the net. One thing that I'd suggest is really getting to know what it is you're looking for. Like, take a look inside and be like, what is it that I actually want? Maybe before the pandemic, in the beforetimes, everything was in sepia tone, you could afford to be like, You know what, I'm gonna, like, have a wide net, and I'm gonna get something that I want. But you may not be able to throw that wide net out anymore. So think, what do I want right now? Do I want physical touch? Do I want just sex? Do I want intimacy? Do I want to have a conversation? Like, figure out what that is, and then be like, Okay, well, how can I orient myself so that that is what I can get? Like, if you're low on iron, you take an iron pill. You don't like, get a box of, I don't know Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and hope for that 1% iron that's in there, that that's gonna do it for you. No, you go get that iron pill. So this one right here, just figure out what it is that you want, and then orientate yourself so that you can actually get that.
Karen Yates: Cool.
Mksthingshappin: What about the flip side, of knowing what you bring to another relationship?
Matthew Amador: Totally true.
Mksthingshappin: You know, it's funny, if you ask the typical person, you know, what do you bring to a relationship, they're almost always stunned. Because almost no one asks that question. And it's great to have a shopping list of what you want. Fair. Absolutely. You should be really clear, so the universe brings it to you, if that's your type of thing. But like I said, on the flip side, what value are you going to bring to other people, or the significant other?
Karen Yates: Love it! So, you have heard the panel for tonight. Thank you, Tazima Parris, Matthew Amador, and Mksthinghappin. All right. Now for the last act of Act One. This storyteller performed at the March 2020 show and blew down the house. In fact, I was so impressed with her story that I dubbed it the "best erotic story"! Period. When I contacted her, she says, "Now look, this story might not be as good as that story." I said, "I don't care! You have to come on the show again." Without further ado, storytelling oracle and doula, Lily Be.
Lily Be: You made it hard for me to come back. Alright, hey, y'all! [cheering] I'm so excited to be here. All right.
I'm 30 years old, and I am living by mys— well, no, I got a roommate, but I'm living by myself for the first time ever, really. I had a son when I was 17, and he had just moved out to live with his dad, per an arrangement we made, like Rumplestiltskin — I'll be here to get my kid at 13. I was like OK. You can take him. So that left me in a three-bedroom apartment in Logan Square by myself. And so I had a roommate. I got a roommate. Cuz I got all this room, why not? And so he moved in, and he was younger, a lot younger than I was. I was 30. He was like 24, 25, which means that he had a bunch of 24, 25 year old friends. Right around the time that I had gotten rid of my little cock block, right? So like, so that man's like, it's party time for your mom, right? So I didn't know at the time, but I was a little cougar. I was a cougar. Y'all, I was like, how old's your friend? 22? Yeah, run 'em. And so, and so, my roommate was bringing all these people over, and it was so fucked up. Because like, every guy that was like, what's up with your roommate? She got some big old titties. What's up with your roommate? Right? Every guy that he attempted to hook me up with, just they couldn't kiss. Couldn't kiss for shit, couldn't kiss. And I was like, Louis, the fuck is up with your friends? Like, they can't kiss. And he was like, for real? Yo like, for real? Yo, they can't kiss, and if I can't trust you with these lips, I'm not trusting you with these lips, right? So I was like, not fucking any of his friends, right? And then one day, we're laughing about like how shitty his friends — 'cause they're like like fish. Like muh, muh, muh. Like, one of them legit meh meh meh, that was his kissing technique, like just in and out. I was like oh my gosh.
And so we're on a couch laughing one day about it, and he looks at me, like, real stone-cold serious and said, "Lily, I'm having a fun time learning about my friends, because you're running through them right, but I asked that you please — anyone but Jimmy." And then I had to picture Jimmy, and I'm like "Jimmy? What the fuck I want to do with Jimmy?" Jimmy's like a pirate. Jimmy ain't even my type. Little skinny, Jewish little fucking — nah, that's — and nothing against him being jewish, but he was just like a pirate. Like, a little grimy, kind of wore fucking flannels all the time, hair down here and never washed it, really oily, like straight up grungy, fucking, you know... Just not my type! Like, fuck Jimmy. I don't know about Jimmy. And he's like, "Alright, cool, because that's like my best friend and like, I don't know, it'd be awkward." I was like, all right, whatever, so he did that. But guess who comes over all the fucking time? It's Jimmy! And so halfway through a 30 of fucking PBR, Lewis would knock the fuck out, and leave me alone with — right. So we've been there roasting Lewis in the other room, like, lightweight ass, can take a fuckin' PBR. And little by little, it just, we fucking make out on the couch. Like, me and Jimmy, making out on the couch. And he can fucking kiss, y'all.
And I was like, damn, damn, damn, damn. He could kiss. Okay, well, let's see, what can we do here? What can we do here? And I'm sitting here like, tapping him on his leg. And I was like, let me let me let me let me move this Comcast remote — and it's not a Comcast remote, y'all.
And I was like, Oh, fucking Jimmy. And from that day forward, my sister who lives downstairs, we started calling him Jimmyconda. Like, Oh, Jimmyconda? That became his name. So now, me and Jimmyconda are hooking up all the time. All the fucking time. And we got a routine, because at the time, Lewis worked in Wicker Park, he was like a barback, or whatever fuck he did. And me and Jimmy are just like, alright, he left the house. Okay, I'm on my way over! And he lived not too far. So he'd come over and we had it down to a science, right? It was like, he would, dingdong, ring the doorbell. I let him up. The second he came up the stairs, I'd open the door, we'd start making out in the dining room, living room, bedroom, get it on. It was like that every time. Ring, dining room, bedroom, living room, room. Ring, dining room, bedroom, living room, room. Ring, dining room, bedroom, living room, room.ing, dining room, bedroom, living room room. Every time. Every time. Getting it in. Jimmyconda.
So in one of these, like, sessions, him and I were having, I'm like, we're in it. We're in the room now. Right? And I we are just getting it in, getting it the fuck in. And my phone rings. And I'm like, let me get that, Jimmy. Let me get that, Jimmy ,hold on a second Jimmy, let me get that let me get that, and he's like yeah, go ahead, do what you got to do. And I pick up the phone, because again, I'm still a mom, right? So I got to pick up, it might be my son. And I see the call and it's Lewis.
And so I'm like, Hold on a second. Hello? He's complaining about his job like, Oh, I'm sick of this, I left my keys at home. I'm leaving this job right now. Are you home right now, cuz I'm gonna get in? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm here. Just come on through. I'll let you in. Sure. Click. And then I was like, I got some bad news. You got to go, right? And he was like, fine. So he like, steps to the side, and sits on the couch and he got this like, little pooh face on, like, mm, mm, so close. Right? He's all sad about it. And I was like, yeah, cuz I'm a giver. I don't want to leave — it's Jimmycondqa, right? I don't want to give Jimmyconda to nobody else. I was like, listen, Jimmy, I got you. I'm gonna finish you off. Okay. You know, he's like, I got you. I know. You've got me. I know it. So let me just finish you off. And so I you know, start taking them back.
And about like, three of them in — right, so I'm just like, mah, mah, right? And about the third one in, about the third one in, I start feeling funny. I start feeling like, Okay, wait, what's going on? What's going on? And I'm like, feeling like what I can only explain is like, my brain is on fire. Like, I feel my brain is on fire. My ears start to burn. I'm just like, what's going on here? Like, I feel my throat start to get a little tight. And I'm just like, ah, bitch like this my brain talking to me. like, "Bitch, Don't you have a latex allergy?" And then I was like, latex? Oh, shit, condoms are made of latex.
And right away, I'm just like — right? And I try to talk and I'm squeaking. And he was like — but like, he doesn't understand what's happening. I think he's just like, my dick's so big, I'm choking her, yay, right? He don't even fucking know. So I'm just like, [squeaking noises]. And he was like, what do you need me to do? And I was like, nothing. And I was like, No, I couldn't even speak. So I was like, I gotta go. So I leave him, dick out. I leave my house. I go downstairs to where my sister lives. Like, I'm like, Lisa, Cheese, Cheese, Cheese — because I call her Cheese — Cheese, Cheese Cheese! And she opens the door. And I'm like, [squeaking noises]. And she's like, What? What are you talking about? And so I can't speak. I'm like, I could feel my brain is on fire. My hands and my palms are bright red. I'm dying. I'm in anaphylactic shock. And so I'm just like, I go to her fucking dry erase board on her refrigerator, and I take the thing and I and I start to write anaphylactic shock, but I'm like, my sister is not gonna understand what the fuck that means. So quick fucking thinking. I'm sitting here like, "sucking dick, dying." Exclamation point.
As she stands there, she's like, she starts laughing at me. And laughing and laughing, as she walks over and grabs her phone, and laughing and laughing at me as she dials 911. Told you that fucking condom would come get you! I told you. And then she, Hello, like, instantly, as soon as it's like 911, what's your emergency? Yeah, my sister is having an allergic reaction to some latex. I believe it's from the ice cube trays. She made up some fucking lie. I can't believe — I was like, man, Lisa, thank you so much for not putting my business out there. And it's the fastest I've ever had an ambulance come to — at the time, non-gentrified — Logan Square, right? It was fast for the time.
And they gave me a shot of epinephrine, right? They just like, [shot noise], it's like what I imagine a York Peppermint Patty feels like. It's like a cooling sensation, from the top of your head, all the way down to the bottom of your feet. Opened up my chest. I was like, ahhh, hallelujah, it's so good. I can breathe. I can breathe. And then the ambulance guy's like, well, we can take you to the hospital, or we can just let you out right here. I was like, am I gonna get charged for this? Probably not. Because we didn't take your information. You were dying. I was like, good. I'm out! Life hack!
I ain't buying no more Epi-pens. So I go upstairs and Jimmyconda is just sitting there, clothes on. He saw the ambulance. He was like, I killed the bitch! And he's like, Everything okay? And I was like, Yeah. Probably a sign from the universe that we should stop fucking around with each other. Probably, probably. And he was like, Yeah, you right, you probably right. So we fucked, like, three, four more times, then it was over.
And I share that story because I'm a firecracker of a woman, if you don't already know. And I pictured my death. I pictured my death quite a few times. Like, how am I gonna go out? Am I gonna go out, like, just peacefully, surrounded by friends and family? Or am I gonna go out like, blaze of glory, like fuckin' Queen Latifah in "Set It Off," right? What's gonna be my — how am I gonna go out? And I'm like, I'll take any of that. But I'll be damned if I let a dick kill me, y'all. I'll be damned. Thank you.
Karen Yates: To learn more about our show guests, go to wildandsublime.com or check out the show notes.
Wild & Sublime is supported in part by our Sublime Supporter, Full Color Life Therapy. Therapy for all of you at fullcolorlifetherapy.com.
Well, that's it, folks. Have a very pleasurable week. Next episode, we hear the second half of our live February show. Don't miss it.
Thank you for listening. If you know someone who might be interested in this episode, send it to them. Do you like what you heard? Then give us a nice review on your podcast app. You can follow us on social media @wildandsublime and sign up for newsletters at wildandsublime.com. I'd like to thank associate producer Julia Williams and design guru Jean-Francois Gervais. Theme Music by David Ben-Porat. This episode was edited by The Creative Imposter studios. Our media sponsor is Rebellious Magazine, feminist media, at rebelliousmagazine.com.
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