Do you laugh during sex? Or are you very serious when things get steamy?
Panelists respond to a listener question about different attitudes toward humor in the bedroom.
Wild & Sublime Podcast Transcript
#S3E8 | Orgasmic Birth, Q&A, and more: Feb Live Show Pt 2
[Wild & Sublime theme music]
Karen Yates: What is the line between fantasy-slash-flirtation when you are in a monogamous relationship?
Matthew Amador: I think that slash is the line.
Karen Yates: I know!
Matthew Amador: Right?
Karen Yates: The slash... [laughter]
Tazima Parris: Yeah, yeah.
Karen Yates: That's it. It's right—
Matthew Amador: It's between the words fantasy and flirtation.
Karen Yates: Right?
Tazima Parris: It's right here, it's right here!
Matthew Amador: Right there. Just see —
Tazima Parris: Right here. [laughter]
Karen Yates: That's the line!
Matthew Amador: Done!
Karen Yates: Very factual...
Welcome to Wild & Sublime, a sexy spin on infotainment®, no matter your preferences, orientation, or relationship style, based on the popular live Chicago show. I chat about sex and relationships with citizens from the world of sex positivity. You'll hear meaningful conversations, dialogues that go deeper, and information that can help you become more free in your sexual expression. I'm sex educator and intimacy coach Karen Yates. Today we hear the second half of our February live show in Chicago, including an interview with a tantric birth doula, sex Q&A with our panel, and my Sermon on the Pubic Mound. Keep listening.
Guess who was in the first row of the live show you're about to hear? Patreon members, that's who. The upper giving levels of Wild & Sublime's membership club get reserved priority seating at live shows, and all Patreon members get ticket discounts in addition to breaking show announcements. Go to patreon.com/wildandsublime to learn about these and other benefits.
Hey folks. Welcome to the second act of our February live show in Chicago at the Hungry Brain. Today, musician-comedian Matt Griffo and cellist Leyla Royale will be kicking off part two, followed by my interview with recurring guest Goddess Erica, who will tell us about her work as a doula, teaching tantric principles to expecting parents seeking empowered, orgasm-ready birth experiences. Fancy that! Then, our panel comprised of sex coach Tazima Parris, therapist Matthew Amador, and kink and relationship coach Mksthingshappin returned to answer juicy audience questions. And we finish up with my Sermon on the Pubic Mound, where I share a secret unbeknownst to all. You'll also hear the audience responses to our prompt, "What is your special go-to for getting into a sexy or kinky mood?" And if you're going to say porn, you've got to say what *kind* of porn. Some great answers there. Enjoy.
[to live audience] Okay, we're back. Yes. I like the vibe tonight. The vibe is very... warm and juicy. It's a very warm and juicy vibe. I've changed my hairstyle. I can't change my outfit like Celine Dion in Las Vegas. But I can put a barrette... Yes, that's the level of budget I'm at right now. So before we do our marvelous musical act, I do want to read some prompts — and thank you, my gosh, so many prompts, so many questions. And if we don't get to your question tonight, we undoubtedly will get to it on the podcast, and/or social media. So I'll do a plug for social media. We're on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Instagram is the best. [pause] Instagram isn't the best — Instagram is horrid, [laughter] but Instagram, you'll see the most of us.
Let me read some of the prompts. "My go-to for getting in a kinky or sexy mood." [reads] "I don't know. I'm usually asleep when she starts." That is honest and fair. That is honest and fair. All right, [reads] "My go to: dancing, dancing, dancing." 100% agree. Dancing. Yes. Yes. All right. What else? We've got [reads] "how to get into a sexy mood: getting dressed up in lacy Lingerie and imagining the best fuck of my life. This is my master date!" God damn. Yes. All right. [reads] "Playing funky music." Yes! "Something I can move to. It helps me get into my body. Something I do before going out on a job interview." Sexy-time, job interview — you're bringing it all together. I like this. And finally, "For porn, I like POV penetration into vulvas." Yes, [sings] specific! I like specificity. Alright, so without further ado, let me welcome back to the stage Matt Griffo and Leyla Royale.
Matt Griffo: [playing, singing] If you are polyamorous, I'm jealous of you,
Because you're clearly very good at logistics
If you are polyamorous, I envy you, because you'll always have a ride to the airport. [laughter]
And I can barely handle a group chat,
and I barely have two stable friends
and I can barely stick to one format,
one shared calendar platform to comprehend
oh, polyamorous, la la la la...
So this is the last one. This one I did last time, but I'm very excited. You're gonna love it.
That's the way I like it,
that's the way I like it all night long
You can give me a massage, not too hard too soft,
while regaling me with recent anecdotes
You can do the sexy dance while you take off your pants
Then snuggle and repeat old movie clothes.
That's the way I like it,
that's the way I like it,
That's the way I like it all night long.
I can pick you up, have fun up against the wall,
if that's something you're into
You can tie me up, you can pin me down,
You can blindfold me and tell me what to do,
'Cause I'm a switch, yeah!
That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the way I like it all night long.
[speaking] Normally, when I'm in a crowd, at this point I say, who knows what a switch is? And then, like, one person — and then I explain what it is. I don't need that for this. I can just, at this event, you could just be like, if you're like, what's that? You could say to anybody near you, what's that? And they'll tell you about it. Like, I'm so excited to share this information! So that's fun. For the next part of this, I'm gonna ask you, what's the way that you like it? Here we go.
[singing] That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the way I like it all night long.
All right, what's a way that you like it? Incense? All right, this is the second time you've mentioned incense.
Alright, I'm really excited.
What you like is what excites me,
First I'll ask you nicely,
Oh baby, you are my desire
I'll be so excited by the passion that's igniting
as I light smelly things on fire
That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the way I like it all night long.
Three-ways? [inaudible] But here we are now, now you've got three-ways, so you get it. Now, to be clear, three-ways is just three people, right? Okay. I was like, maybe I'm just missing it. I want to be totally clear that you get exactly what you need. That's checking in, people. If I'm not sure, I can ask.
I'm so elated by sexy explorations,
Oh baby, we'll do it in Egypt or Rio
Your thinking's so delicious, when I go and do the dished,
and suddenly, we have sex as a trio!
That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it, that's the way I like it all night long.
[speaking] There we go. Thank you so much. This is Leyla. My top song on Spotify is called "Butt Stuff."
Karen Yates: We did put "Butt Stuff" on one of the podcast episodes. Yes. So you can go look for that at wildandsublime.com. One of my favorite Matt Griffo songs. Thank you again, Matt and Leyla. [audience cheering]
Whoo. All right, the next segment. I am really, really excited to have this person on the stage tonight. Goddess Erica has been part of the podcast several times — deep and juicy conversations — and we have everyone tagged on the website, so if you go to the website, wildandsublime.com, and say, I want to check out all of the episodes that this person or that person did, you can click, and then they'll all come up. So that is a nice feature. Goddess Erica is a tantric doula. In addition to many other fabulous skills, she's a tantric doula, helping expectant parents apply tantric principles in order to have empowered and orgasm-ready births. Please welcome to the stage Goddess Erica. I'm sure this is going to be a great conversation.
So I told Goddess Erica, I was gonna relate my orgasmic birth story. I did not have an orgasmic birth, nor did my mother have an orgasmic birth birthing me. She could have. But when I was in my 20s, I found this 1970s book about the cycles of women's life — like, maiden, mother, crone. And it was one of those books that was so groovy, it was handwritten. You know, like, remember from the '70s, there were these handwritten books? And I remember there was this one thing about, actually, this person's birth experience, giving birth. And in the middle of this birth experience, she has this ginormous orgasm. And I thought, whaaaat? It just burned into my head, you know, because it was cosmic. It was cosmic. And then everyone sat around and fried up the placenta in olive oil and lovely herbs. And I thought, whaaaat? So, I would love — you're here tonight — I would love to hear you, first, just in a nutshell, talk about what is orgasmic birth?
Goddess Erica: Orgasmic birth is something that we can all tap into, people who choose to give birth. We have a lot of narratives that surround the birth experience that we just accept as true. And those usually tend to focus on pain, or pain management, or the fearful aspects of giving birth. But giving birth or being in labor — what I've learned from working with people who are going through the process is that the same hormones and cascades of endorphins, and just like, the feel good hormones, oxytocin, all of those things that are cascading through your system when you're giving birth are also the same things that are cascading through your system when you're having an orgasm. And I'm not the first person to discover this. But the connection that I discovered was that when we think about those chemical releases, depending on what kind of situation you're in, it can be seen as positive, or it can be seen as negative. So when you are in a hospital, and there are bright lights, and there are noises coming from beeping machines, and people are rushing in, and everyone's in a panicked mood and is concerned about, like, how is this going to go, those chemical cascades, when they happen, which happen naturally when you're in labor, they give you a different vibe. But say, if you are a kinky person, or a person who who engages in tantric sex, when you are in a physically or emotionally intense situation, those chemical releases are seen as positive.
So when you are having an orgasm, it's the same chemical as when you are having a baby. It's just the framework that you're in that changes. And so when I talk about guiding people towards orgasmic births, it's not so much about changing anything profound. It's really about reframing your position in the birth experience. Are you empowered? Do you feel like you're surrounded by people who you can trust when you're in a vulnerable state? Do you have the sights and the sounds and smells and the verbal reassurance that you need in order to let go like you would if you were in the bedroom? And when you have those things in place, then you get closer to a joyful, connected birth experience. I can't guarantee my clients orgasms, but I can guarantee that you'll get much closer.
Karen Yates: So let me ask you — you were on the Patreon Q&A a while ago, and the topic was medicine and how people are treated in the medical process, especially around sexuality. And you talked a bit about the state of being pregnant, and how people tend to be infantilized. Can you talk a little bit about that? That whole attitude?
Goddess Erica: Yeah, so the birthing body, you know, people who are seen or socialized as female tend to be infantilized anyway. But as soon as there is another person growing inside of us, then there is another level to the infantilization, the person becomes viewed as a vessel. And so everyone on the outside tends to have advice on what's right, and you know, what's the proper way to do things, and how things were done in the past, as opposed to trusting that person's instincts. Because we are instinctive animals, we are creatures of instinct. And when we trust our instincts, we are put into a position where we can make the decisions that are right for ourselves. And in the medical industry, we go into rooms and people tell you what you're supposed to expect, as opposed to explaining to you what you're experiencing. As a doula, it's a different shift of the relationship: instead of saying, this is going to happen, and this is going to happen — there's a lot of that, but it's, this is what's happening right now. I see that you're sweating, and you feel nauseous, and you feel like you can't go on anymore. You're actually in this stage of labor. And this is a good sign. This means that things are working out the way they're supposed to work. And when you don't have that kind of support, it starts to make you kind of question your own instincts.
Karen Yates: So it sounds to me like one of the things you're doing is you're really helping the client shift perspective, just 100% a shift.
Goddess Erica: Yes.
Karen Yates: And so when you're working with someone that is going to be bearing a child, what are some of the tent poles in the process?
Goddess Erica: I'm glad you asked that. I actually have a six-part program that I've been working on for a few years. It's kind of been my pandemic project. And quite a few clients through the process of learning to communicate your needs, learning to stand in your power, learning to get clear on what it is that you want, and then learning to be flexible with the situation at hand. Because I will guarantee you, no labor experience ever goes as planned. And that's not to worry or concern anyone, it's just to kind of prep you for the experience. And when you enter the situation knowing that you are the person in control, but cosmically none of us are in control. And when you go into a situation with that understanding of that dichotomy, you end up being more empowered in the way that you react to changes in your plan.
Karen Yates: So what are some — obviously such a huge topic — but what are some quick tips you can give people if they're planning to get pregnant, or actually are in the first stages of pregnancy?
Goddess Erica: If you're planning to get pregnant, the first thing I would say is it's not ever too early to find yourself a doula. A doula is a really great support person that can give you answers, can be there for you and dark moments. Doulas are there for you not just during labor, but during loss, during the preparation, even postpartum. Most people don't really know that doulas can support the birthing parent after the baby is born. Because, much like that infantilization of the birthing body, once the baby is out, we forget about the parent. And that is a huge mess. And so, doulas can support in lots of different spaces.
Karen Yates: So, postpartum, are you also there to sort of guide the client to more fully realized sexual expression in early parenthood?
Goddess Erica: So that's a good question. I don't market myself as a postpartum doula. I am a birth doula, specifically, before birth and during the labor process. There are postpartum doulas who come in, and they will do anything from being there overnight, to take care of the baby so that the parent can sleep. They will come in and clean the space for you, prepare meals, change diapers, whatever it is that you need to kind of — the thing that we're missing from having community around us, because we've become a very individualized society, and it's something that harms the birthing family. So postpartum doulas come in and support that, but my support for postpartum parents is really the getting back into yourself experience. So I don't necessarily frame that as doula support, but I'm really more as a coaching support, to help people kind of reconnect with themselves once the birth is over.
Karen Yates: Cool. Thank you so much. And if you want more information on Goddess Erica and all of her many, many skills, please go to wildandsublime.com and click on Goddess Erica, and you will be led immediately to her website, which is also called domination coaching?
Goddess Erica: Domination coaching.
Karen Yates: How can I forget that? Come on. Dominationcoaching dot com. Thank you, Goddess Erica!
We'll return to the show in a moment. As an intimacy coach, I work with couples in Chicago, helping them learn how to verbalize erotic desires in the moment, and master skills of sensual cooperation. If you and your partner are looking for ways to more deeply connect to one another and get out of limiting patterns, I can help. go to karen-yates.com for more information and to set up a free 15-minute consultation.
We will be coming back with another live show, April 16 in Chicago. To get tickets, go to wildandsublime.com, where you can also sign up for our newsletter to learn more about other shows in the future. And now, let's return to the live show as our panelists — Tazima Parris, Matthew Amador, and Mksthingshappin — come on stage to answer audience questions, followed by my Sermon on the Pubic Mound.
[to live audience] And why don't we call our panel back on stage? We have many, many questions. I don't think we'll get to them all, but we'll get to some of them. Question one, "How do I know whether casual sex is right for me, or if I'm just afraid of commitment?" Valid. Yeah, no, I'm gonna — I'll frame it for this person, who I do not know. How I read this is, we are told in society that it's wrong to just want casual sex, that you need to be moving toward death, and, you know, mononormativity.
Mksthingshappin: I guess their real barometer is, how do you feel afterwards? Are you using sex as a way to validate your value? Are you using it to escape? So if you're not using drugs or alcohol, is it sex? Does it negatively impact your other roles? You know, are you, instead of working you're like, you know, doing things that might be inappropriate for the workplace, if you will? So I think that's a good way to look at it.
Karen Yates: Okay. Anyone else?
Tazima Parris: I would add that it's important for you to know, like, what your own limits are. So that feeling of after, how are you feeling after whatever the event is? And for some people, because of the bonding hormones that come up when you're having orgasm, and you're having great experiences and sex, or not so much great experiences, there can be a challenge with the casual sex, that you may feel attached to the person, and they may not feel the same way, and that can be painful. So, care for yourself. If you know this could be you or you're experiencing this, make sure you get support around that distance that might come up that feels uncomfortable for you.
Matthew Amador: And also just — what's the clinical term? — we're complicated as fuck. Like, it doesn't have to be an either/or. Yeah, right. Like, you could just be someone who right now really enjoys casual sex and wants 100% long term committed relationship. However, that commitment might look so be prepared to not necessarily have like a clear black and white answer.
Karen Yates: Right. Fantastic. Thank you. All right. This is a long question. "I am queer in a het-presenting relationship. My boyfriend is supportive of me exploring my sexuality, but at the end of the day, we are monogamous. How can I pursue a woman without her feeling used as an experiment?" Oof. [audience laughs] Boy... boy...
Tazima Parris: I would like to make a PSA. That is called unicorn-hunting. Don't do it!
Karen Yates: Wait, no, no, no—
Tazima Parris: No, I know. But I'm saying they don't want to do that. And I'm saying that is what is called — that thing—
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
It's called unicorn hunting. If you did do it. So, yes. Good job hitting the brakes.
Karen Yates: Yeah, Matthew, go for it.
Matthew Amador: Oh, I was gonna say, open communication. Talk, talk, talk, talk talk, between the three of you — or four or five, however many you might be experimenting with at the time of experimenting. Exploring with, that's the better word. That was my first draft word, was experiment. And set reasonable expectations for yourself and for what to expect to view. If they think that, Oh, we're dating, we're exploring each other, and maybe this might lead somewhere really serious, you may not be in a place where you can offer that right now. And it's okay to say that; just make sure that the other person is understanding that that's all that you kind of have to offer right now.
Mksthingshappin: Now, just one clarification. Does this person identify their relationship as monogamous?
Karen Yates: Yes.
Tazima Parris: That's what they say.
Mksthingshappin: Okay. So I think the, in my opinion, the bigger issue is to talk to their partner, and find out if a monogamous relationship is working, or is this monogamous relationship working? Because the act of getting someone else, in my opinion, is a bigger problem than even unicorn hunting, because there's something potentially that's not quite gelling? Now, I don't know the relationship. So I'm talking generalizations. But if you're poly, it's a little bit easier to have that conversation, because you check in with your partners. And you don't necessarily get their permission, but you do get their buy-in on whether or not you're going to add an additional partner. In this scenario, as I understand it, they're already talking about adding a third person, but what's going on at the core relationship is my big question.
Karen Yates: Yeah, it feels like an issue of exactitude and specifics. It feels to me like there's a smudginess at the core, that things need to be said that perhaps haven't been said yet.
Tazima Parris: And I'd also want to add that sometimes literally talking about it can satisfy some of what you're seeking. Actually being known is some of what we need in order to be in our relationship. If there's something that's happening that's not out in the open for me, it feels like that might be the smudginess of it. Revealing that to your partner can be vulnerable, and can actually start to bring you together. You don't have to add a new person, necessarily. But getting that out on the table is a key piece.
Karen Yates: Great. Well, another similar question: What's the line between fantasy and flirtation, fantasy-slash-flirtation, when you are in a monogamous relationship? What is the line between fantasy-slash-flirtation when you are in a monogamous relationship?
Matthew Amador: I think that slash is the line.
Karen Yates: I know. That's it.
Matthew Amador: It's between the words fantasy and flirtation.
Tazima Parris: Right? It's right here. Right here.
Karen Yates: That's the line. Very factual. Well, that's a pretty big distinction.
Tazima Parris: Yeah.
Karen Yates: I mean, I think the minute you get into flirtation, then you are moving. You're moving. Yeah, you're in action.
Mksthingshappin: iA verb's involved. [laughter] That's what's happening.
Karen Yates: But to that point, certain people are attracted to the 'I'm flirting, but I'm not going over the line.' Getting back to this line thing. Like, they get really off on knowing that they're flirting, and they — it's a type of psychology. So, if that's your bag, then—
Mksthingshappin: You really need to be with someone that can accept that. You know, if you are with someone who is already feeling insecure with themselves or a relationship, you are inviting chaos. And if you're okay with that, well, that's fine. But if you really need that, and someone is feeling insecure, you might not be with the best person for you. I just think it's a problem.
Matthew Amador: I would say it comes down to personal accountability, too. We all have lines that we draw for ourselves, and we can get right up to that line. But we have to be honest with ourselves when we see that we're going over that line. So when that fantasy — and that fantasy can be like, Oh, my fantasy is I'm a sexy, flirtatious person. That's amazing. But then once you find that actually, ehh, you're not being completely honest with yourself, and it's becoming something else. That would be — that's the slash.
Karen Yates: "What's the best way to rekindle a connection with partners you've quarantined away from?" So, polyamory and rekindling.
Tazima Parris: I love activities. Any activity that both of you can enjoy. Or maybe one of you makes fun of, that the other person does. [laughter] But really, I mean, how do you reconnect with an old friend? How do you do it? You call them up, you text them, or whatever. There's not a best way. What's the connection that you have? Find that place, and just like an old friend, reconnect.
Karen Yates: Okay. "I know what I want, and I'm on Hinge and Tinder. But still, I haven't found guys worth dating over 60. Any suggestions?" I haven't found any guys worth dating over 60, age 60. Any suggestions?
Mksthingshappin: Okay, I have a problem with the phrase "worth dating." You know, it's basically saying that because of my shopping list, that these individuals that I'm meeting don't make the cut. You barely know them. Okay? Because if you're meeting on the app, you know, you get that whole, you know, image, and then cutting people off immediately is a real problem, because you're not giving someone a chance. You know, one of the reasons I love being in the kink and poly community is that I end up with people, or interact with people, or meeting people, becoming friends with people, fucking people who I would not normally interact with my normal circles.
And I've found that it has enriched my life. Not necessarily because I'm being kinky or being poly; it's that I'm more open to talking to people from different groups, different background, different mentalities, the whole nine yards. So for you to cut someone off for something, it has to be arbitrary. It has to be. It's automatically reducing your dating pool. And I don't know the statistics, but I'm sure 60, 70, 80 years old, the number of people you have to date has diminished, compared to 20, 30, 40. It would be worth it to at least give someone an opportunity and not automatically discount. Or at least give them the opportunity to mess up.
Karen Yates: Matthew.
Matthew Amador: Yeah, I would say this is my problem with apps in general. It just reduces everyone to a bunch of data points, and it could be hard to actually see a genuine human being there. It is just like ordering off the menu. Like oh, okay, let me, flip flip, I think I'm ordering an Italian tonight.
Mksthingshappin: Spicy Italian.
Matthew Amador: Okay. I don't think it gives people the opportunity to really shine all the time. So my advice is, if you're comfortable, just step outside the apps. Don't use the apps. See if you can find someone in the real world, a free-range human being. See if you can actually meet them and actually see—
Karen Yates: Don't go for the Tyson chickens. Go for the really expensive ones at Whole Foods.
Mksthingshappin: But I like the fences and cages!
Tazima Parris: Preferences, preferences...
Matthew Amador: Tie up some of those chickens.
Tazima Parris: I would also add that any human interacting with another human, the most magical tool you have is your curiosity. Curiosity makes people so interesting. Even if they're boring as fuck. Like, they will become more interesting in the light, the fabulous light of your gaze. If you think that person could be — you never know who the fuck you're gonna meet! People are fascinating. Also, people who you meet and you go on a date with them, they're probably really fucking nervous. So they're gonna do some awkward ass shit. Give them a fucking break.
Karen Yates: Okay.
Tazima Parris: And then you get to find out what quirky awkward person is in front of you, who might also be pretty sexy, who might also have, you know, some interesting tools in another room that they invite you to inspect. You never know what could happen!
Mksthingshappin: I've gotta hear about your first dates!
Matthew Amador: Yeah, keep going, keep going.
Karen Yates: All right, final question. And I'm sorry we couldn't get to all of them. "How do you deal with expectation of sex on date night, assuming 20-year partner is hesitant?" So, this is a long-term-relationship date-night question.
Tazima Parris: Okay, got it. Got it.
Karen Yates: Okay. The person wants sex. And the expectation of sex on date night, and perhaps the partner, the other person is hesitant.
Mksthingshappin: Just ask for it...?
Tazima Parris: I'm gonna, I'm gonna insert—
Karen Yates: No, I don't think so.
Tazima Parris: I'm gonna insert, I would suggest an activity. And my favorite activity for such a situation is a yes, no, maybe list. So there are lists of activities that, I don't know if y'all already have this, but maybe, but go to a list of activities, and you don't have to do everything on the list. There's a lot of things that you could get on a yes, no, maybe maybe list. But there are a bunch of different sexual activities that you can say, I like this. I don't like that. I'm interested in this, but I'm really scared, but maybe if the conditions are right, I might try it. So you can use that list to have a discussion, or like, what the fuck is this? And then you guys go to Wikipedia and find out, or wherever.
Karen Yates: The sex Wikipedia.
Tazima Parris: The sexy Wikipedia. But my point being, instead of going to — because clearly, if there's some hesitancy, there's a reason. Be curious. And it also may not go directly to the sex. That might be something that's in the way, probably is, something else in the way, that's happening in the conversation, or there's not happening in that conversation that needs to be discussed. That is the source of that hesitancy. So one tool, your list, but another tool is, again, curiosity, and find out what else is happening.
Matthew Amador: And I would say, maybe part of it is the expectation of it. Maybe it can't be an expectation of sex, maybe it's a hope for sex. That is setting expectations like that, that maybe the other partner might feel anxious about. Man, nothing kills the mood, going to your genitals, that anxiety. Nothing will kill it faster. So maybe it may not be possible. And listen to your body. You can't force it. I have a client who had a penile injury because they tried to force it where they weren't completely hard. And because of the injury, they lost, I don't know, about a couple inches in length, about an inch and a half in girth. Like, it's serious. You can damage yourself. So listen to your body, and don't force it if... Oh, there's some winces happening in the back.
Mksthingshappin: You're losing the house.
Matthew Amador: Oh, damn. I don't think it's you. So I didn't tell your story.
Karen Yates: Well, on that positive note. [laughter] I want to thank my panelists tonight. Thank you for the questions. Thank you Tazima Parris, Matthew Amador, and Mksthingshappin. So this is the last part of the night. And this is when I do my Sermon on the Pubic Mound. My ‘stand and deliver’ moment.
So, I have a secret. I have a secret that I have been holding for a very long time. But because this is the first time back after two years in this room feels really cozy and sweet and I'm trusting you, I am going to tell you, unburden my secret to you. And the secret is, this show is not about sex. Now, I know what you're thinking, especially you new people, who just spent $25 plus surcharge. [laughter]. You were lured in with all of the sexy stuff, the words, the pictures. I know what you're thinking, and maybe the folks who've been here a while, and listen to the podcast. You're like, what? But it's not. And actually, what this show is about is hidden in plain sight in the introduction of the podcast, in which I say, "You'll hear meaningful conversations, dialogues that go deeper, and information you can use to become more free in your sexual expression. I'm sex educator and intimacy coach Karen Yates." That phrase, "become more free in your sexual expression," is what this show is about. And becoming more free in your sexual expression has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with the layer upon layer upon layer of patriarchy, religious beliefs, fear, body hatred, misogyny, colonialism, shame, TikTok, Instagram, capitalism, fear, shame, rage, everything coming down on this free flowing river, this subterranean, vital life force that we all share.
Sex is a part of this, but it's so much bigger than that. It's who we are. It is the soul stuff. It is the part that makes us so fucking glad to be alive. It is pleasure, in the biggest sense possible. Pleasure of our senses, but the pleasure of knowing that we are unique beings. And even if we're all connected, we in our unique selves have an imprimatur upon this reality.
Now, the problem with this desire to become more free in your sexual expression is that we have been taught from a very early age not to listen to this voice, not to give in to what we want, our impulses, our desires. Because when we do that, we disrupt. We disrupt the group. We disrupt the unity of the crowd, and in fact, we might even destroy it. And so, we're taught very early on to pack it back in and squeeze it down. And so very early age — from your toddler play dates to school to your sports teams that you participate in; Sunday School, Torah study, whatever you do, to the workspace, to then that moment when you are with a sexual partner — we've all gotten used to just squishing it down. But the problem is, when we squish down, we feel discord. We feel conflict inside. And that becomes more and more of a problem as you get older, and you're squishing and squishing and squishing. But what we're not taught as kids is that if we do listen to that voice, if we do speak our mind, our truth, if we do give in to impulse, we then learn to trust ourselves over time. We are then creating a new order inside ourselves, a scaffolding that bears weight. We then can trust our own authenticity. Then we can learn how to cooperate with people, because we're trusting ourselves. They're trusting themselves, we become trustworthy, we trust them. And then we become part of this cooperative, juicy dance.
And it's not just about sex, it's about life. And I actually do think we are moving in this direction. It might not look it, but I do believe we are moving in this direction. And it's very interesting. I just interviewed a couple folks, the interview is going to be coming out, on creating consent culture. Now, most people think consent is a binary yes/no, you're bad/I'm good. Consent culture is about cooperating. It's about saying, I want to do this. Well, I want to do this. Okay. Well, what can we do? That kind of brings in both of these things. So it's not compromise; it's cooperation. And that is a powerful, powerful, juicy thing. So, in the coming weeks, when you feel resistance toward your sexual expression, or you feel very judgmental of it, and it might come up in a sort of fleeting way, ask yourself, what do I really want? Do I want release? Do I want joy? Do I want pleasure? Do I want solace? If you're listening hard enough, the answer might surprise you.
Thanks so much, folks. Beautiful night.
To learn more about our show guests, go to wildandsublime.com, or check out the show notes. Wild & Sublime is supported in part by our Sublime Supporter, Full Color Life Therapy. Therapy for all of you at fullcolorlifetherapy.com.
Well, that's it folks. Have a very pleasurable week. Thank you for listening. If you know someone who might be interested in this episode, send it to them. Do you like what you heard? Then give us a nice review on your podcast app. You can follow us on social media @wildandsublime and sign up for newsletters at wildandsublime.com. I'd like to thank associate producer Julia Williams and design guru Jean-Francois Gervais. Theme Music by David Ben-Porat. This episode was edited by The Creative Imposter studios. Our media sponsor is Rebellious Magazine, feminist media, at rebelliousmagazine.com.
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- Cassie Porter – Somatic sex educator, sexological bodyworker and body-centered counselor
- Clark Hazel – Individual and Couples therapist at Best Therapies
- Heather Shannon – Certified Sex Therapist
- April 16 live show tickets
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